There is an enchanted garden in an unexpected place and I am thinking about rest and freedom
(And the only pasta salad I want to eat for a while)
I hope this finds you free and well rested. I’ve returned to my usual routine and so the meandering, often distracted afternoon walks have also returned.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend asked me to follow her to a p-patch “nearby” and we ended up crossing the Seattle Center park and then not one but two near-empty parking garages, climbing stairs until we arrived at a community garden perched atop a parking lot with the most luxurious view of our stunning city. Shortly after we arrived, a couple of people came and started tending to their gardens. One of them was singing while they watered their plants in the sun. I was enchanted.
I have not even mentioned the bright purple car that’s been converted into a garden - Hendrix lyrics adorning its windows - or the hive that’s presumably being looked after by a beekeeper who I imagine walks up the parking lot stairs to tend to the bees in the shadow of the Space Needle.
It was on one of my (now frequent) returns to this garden that my phone chirped, interrupting my podcast to tell me that the benevolent robots at the Apple corporation had prepared for me a new memory in my camera roll. In my experience, these “memories” are often better left unseen but I was curious for what I photographed and saved on June 9, 2020 so I took a look. There, set to music that Apple deemed appropriate for confronting your own past self, was a video I made for a friend. In it I am describing my new hack for getting through the 2pm crash. I am giggling and smiling while I tell my friend that I was now taking a pre-workout supplement to avoid taking a break “in the middle of my day!”
“Usually, by this time, I’m so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open but this thing really helps!” She is saying, this woman who is, by all accounts, me. I remember that time well; how jittery and anxious I used to feel and how my body would be almost electric well into the night. Eventually, I had to stop drinking that powder (for extremely obvious reasons), but I didn’t ask myself the right questions about what led me to that place until very recently. Those questions are how I learned that my devotion to work was about more than just the work itself or even my own work ethic; it was about the fact that I didn’t think I deserved to rest.
Somewhere along the road of my life, I decided to wear the badge of someone whose only real value was being “hardworking.” I was extremely efficient at adapting that old survival song of my people: “you must work twice as hard as them.” You either know what this means or you do not. Even when I took a break, I framed it as “I should take a break so I can come back refreshed and energized…for work.” Rest, on its own, was not something I got for free.
My journey of untangling this toxic relationship with work and my self-worth is likely a long road. I still don’t know how to say no to the tasks I should decline, and I have not been able to divorce my worth from my ability to “contribute.” But at least now I am aware. And so, that video of myself, that rabid sound in my voice, cut me to my core.
I sat there, in that enchanted garden, watching the woman I used to be. I cried for her, not because I pity her - she was a strong, capable, dependable woman - but because I wish she knew then what I know now. I wish she knew that she does not have to be strong, that she could be soft and tender. I wish she knew that her worth has always been so much more than her ability to work, and I wish she didn’t feel like anything that was worthwhile about her was transactional, dependent only on how much value she could bring to trade for acceptance. I wish she knew (and knows now) that her worth is innate, not given to her by anyone in exchange for how hard she can work.
I hope that you are not in that place but if you are, I hope you can escape. Your value has nothing to do with work.
—
Something to Cook: roasted red pepper and radicchio pasta salad
The first time I made this pasta salad, it was because I found beautiful multicolored summer tomatoes at the store and I wanted to enjoy them in as pure a state as possible without eating raw tomatoes. Four weeks later, I’ve made a batch of this thing every week, tweaking the recipe each time and now I’ve landed on a version that ticks all the boxes of my ideal pasta salad: creamy, fresh, packed with veggies, light, zippy, a little spicy. It also happens to be vegan and, depending on your pasta choice, gluten free.
A special note: one of the ways that Juneteenth is celebrated is by having a red drink or food item on your celebration table. By all indications, this is a red dish and it will be on my table come Saturday afternoon.
Ingredients:
Roasted red peppers in a jar, 3 large pieces (you’ll need a little bit of the juice, something you can’t get if you roast your own)
Garlic, 3 cloves
Juice of one whole lemon
Olive oil (use your best stuff), 1/4 cup (about 4 tablespoons)
Walnuts, 1/2 cup, roughly chopped
Radicchio, half a head, finely sliced
Tomatoes, as much as you’d like in your salad (I used two large handfuls of the colorful cherry ones)
Salt and fresh ground pepper
Pasta of your choice
Optional but highly encouraged: one whole chili pepper (I used red jalapeño), thinly sliced - seeds and all.
Prep:
If you’re using cherry tomatoes, slice them in half and season with salt and fresh ground pepper, set aside on a shallow dish. If using whole tomatoes, dice them into large bite pieces (or similar size to your pasta shape) and do the same seasoning. Let them release their juice slowly while you do everything else.
Thinly slice your clean radicchio half, set aside. This is also a good time to thinly slice your chili, if you’re using one.
Cook your pasta according to package instructions. When it’s at your desired firmness, remove from the water and thoroughly rinse in cold water. Yes, rinse. And discard the pasta cooking water. We want none of that starch this time. Set aside.
Toast your walnuts over medium heat in a skillet. Pay attention because nuts look like they’re doing nothing for about 3 minutes and then they go from slightly golden to burnt in just a few seconds. Take them off the heat and set aside. Now is the time to “make” the sauce.
Making the sauce:
In a blender, combine the roasted red pepper pieces, a generous pour (think a large tablespoon) of the juice from the jar, garlic cloves, the juice of one whole lemon, your olive oil, salt and freshly ground black pepper. Blend until smooth, beautiful, emulsified, heavenly.
Combine:
In a large bowl, toss together the pasta, veggies and the sauce. Then add the warm toasted walnuts and combine. Add more olive oil, salt, pepper and lemon juice to taste, until your heart is content.